What’s happening on twitter = It is fucking 1 am and I cannot fucking sleep. What the fuck is wrong with me?

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Shirish Kunder ‏@ShirishKunder 

Nestle has offered to make Maggi safe by throwing in an eraser also with the lead.

This guy is sooooooo funny

Sorabh Pant ‏@hankypanty 

These Dubsmash clips.

It’s basically people lip syncing over someone else’s voice.

That’s Katrina Kaif’s whole career right there.

I cannot believe people have taken to this. The most ridiculous thing since the ice bucket challenge

God ‏@GyanOfGod 

Sending a legal notice to Madhuri for endorsing maggi is like blaming a farmer who grew potatoes because You farted after eating the chips.

ishita moitra ‏@misschamko 

The sexy lamp test:

If you can replace your female character with a sexy lamp & the story still works, may be you need another draft.

Aditi Mittal ‏@awryaditi 

*Plans to do digital detox*

*does 30 tweets about doing digital detox.*

*2 mins later*

*31st Tweet: I’m back guys, digital detox felt good*

I will never even think of trying a digital detox. That will be like half my life gone. 

kaufmanic ‏@kaufmanic 

I’d have had a croissant a lot more times in my life had ordering it not involved pronouncing it.

I still fumble to pronounce it correctly

unimpressed fangills ‏@kaalamagic 

It may seem like I don’t care but deep down I still don’t care

Me… always 

Solomon Grande ‏@joogasama 

Why does khudkhushi in hindi mean suicide instead of masturbation?

Socho, socho

PS ‏@pranavsapra 

Why didn’t they do the Ice Bucket Challenge in this season?

And thank god for that 

unimpressed fangills ‏@kaalamagic 

The reason why I’m naturally so funny is because my life is a joke. 😀

I draw inspiration from my own sad life 

asmita ‏@asmiiitaa 

“HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG THIS IS SO FUNNY I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING”

-Me every time I crack a joke

This is me with KC most of the time. I laugh at my own jokes while he  wonders what is wrong with me

carleeann ‏@CarleeAnnxo 

I don’t hate you… I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence

Shirish Kunder ‏@ShirishKunder 

A pencil is only a pen with commitment issues.

PS ‏@pranavsapra 

Yes, yes, Magnum ice cream is great and all that.

It’s just sad that there’s no EMI option for buying it.

I’d rather buy Haagen D’aaz. 

Sapan Verma ‏@sapanv 

“Yes you’re right. I am drunk.” – said no drunk person ever.

The number of times KC has been drunk and told me he is not drunk 

pakalu papito ‏@pakalupapito 

sometimes it physically pains me to hold back my sarcastic comments

And that is why I don’t stop myself. The pain is not worth it 

Aditi Mittal ‏@awryaditi 

Let me guess.

Bajrangi bhai is going to be one of those Salman Khan being a Robin Hood type criminal who is just good natured as hell.

RushdieExplainsIndia ‏@RushdieExplains 

BJP leadership thoroughly unimpressed with Manmohan Singh.

What’s the point of allowing a scam if you don’t personally benefit from it?

Rahul Roushan ‏@rahulroushan 

I’ve been trying to buy a 2 BHK in South Mumbai, and been denied many houses just because I don’t have 10 crore rupees.

Discrimination of the worst kind

Cersei Lannister ‏@Queen_Cersei 

Margaery fed the poor, pitied the sick and visited the orphans.

I hated everyone.

And yet we are both in the same prison.

Did it matter, MT?

Good or bad, nice or bitchy, it doesn’t matter. Do what you want. 

Shirish Kunder ‏@ShirishKunder 

If you don’t understand science, there’s a perfectly good explanation for everything that happens in this world.

God did it!

Bhayanak Puppy ‏@BhayanakPuppy 

My question to the people who change their profile picture on facebook and tag 36 others in it;

“Kyu Bhenchod? Why?”

Attention gaining tactics … also called spam

Tumblrful ‏@Tumblrful 

sorry! your password must contain at least seventeen roman numerals and the entire script of shrek the third

Ugh. The torture of changing password on official laptop. I will have to start using the maid or cook’s names for password now. I am running out of people I love. 

Malav Karkar ‏@MalavKarkar 

Just got thrown out of Starbucks for not Instagramming my coffee.

Always, always, instagram your food BEFORE you eat it. ALWAYS. 

Sahil Shah ‏@SahilBulla 

In Piku the only reason any character uses any product is so that they can put it somewhere and show off the logo.

जस्टिस अर्नब ‏@justicearnab 

Corruption has gone down under modi govt. The money saved in the process has been given to media to do PR that Corruption has been reduced.

INKED ‏@BlendersRepeat 

Asking people to link twitter to facebook is like asking them if they want to invite their family over to watch them masturbate !!

I don’t understand how people add family on facebook and then connect twitter to facebook. Morons. 

pakalu papito ‏@pakalupapito 

im funnier in real life but also uglier

Me too. 

Aditi Mittal ‏@awryaditi 

*Modi sends DM*

*convo devolves into sexting*

Aditi Mittal ‏@awryaditi 

Radio, Twitter DM, email…. I’m expecting next year’s PM report to be whispered intimately into my ear while I try to sleep at night.

dorku ‏@Dorkstar 

By giving full dowry

@dashhtweets: Radha kaise na jale? (10 marks)

That is dark 

Brian Gaar ‏@briangaar 

Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious

I know a lot of guys who will agree with this 

Kader Bhai ‏@dimaagkoshot 

Someone must have told Twinkle Khanna that being Shobha De is cool. That someone must be laughing his ass out right now.

How can someone born with a silver spoon who has never seen struggle write columns? 

E-tard ‏@14_yr_old_Etard 

The worst kind of punishment isn’t hanging. It’s when you’ve to keep removing your headphones because someone won’t stop talking to you.

Sooooooo annoying. This is why I don’t keep a gun. 

Sahil Shah ‏@SahilBulla 

Marks don’t matter guys. You can always always ask for user ratings and feedback and get it increased.

God ‏@GyanOfGod 

No cricket fan has ever said after their team losing “it’s just a sport, it happens. I still respect my team and captain”

This is why cricket sucks. There is no team spirit. 

Cersei Lannister ‏@Queen_Cersei 

Consensual sex. I assume it still exists somewhere in #GameOfThrones, but I have no proof.

$ir $ri $ri Magal ‏@jhunjhunwala 

Dwayne Smith ne drop kar diya. I cannot understand this unless Sidhu explains it on Extraaaaaaa Innings for at least 45 minutes.

pakalu papito ‏@pakalupapito 

how do i play hard to get when im already hard to want

 


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