Ugh festivals and ugh year endings

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The year is coming to an end. This is generally a happy period with lots to look forward to, count the blessings for the year and hope for better things next year.

But am not in the mood. I don’t want to count any blessings because the shit of 2019 still rankles. It still hurts and feels humiliating. It feels unfair and am not in the mood to forgive, forget or be generous. I would like to sleep off the next 2 months and wake up in January.

It is not ok that I wake up every morning questioning myself and being aware of everything I do every moment of everyday. It is not ok that the fear of screwing  up is always with me and from an overconfident person am now someone who barely has faith in herself. It is not ok that I have to go through this struggle when it could be the circumstances or other people who brought me to this point.

This year has not been ok. Period.

I don’t want to pretend like am not jealous of everyone enjoying their Diwali. This is a weird time for me and any Diwali when we haven’t taken a trip (usually to Goa) has been fucked up. I look forward to and dread this festival in equal measure. I should be grateful I get to escape it and there was the option of taking a day off despite my first month end in a new job. But am too worried about how much I don’t know and how much I have to do at work to relax. The entire holiday would have been spent making “to do” lists and really, who wants to travel with such a freak. Ok, maybe my partner does or maybe he is good at ignoring my freakiness. But even I don’t want to be around myself when am like this.

Ugh!!!

I hate y’all.

 


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