Too late in the night to be coherent

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It is 1 am and am supposed to be fast asleep. In fact, I wanted to be fast asleep at 10 pm after my super hectic TRX class. My laptop does not have a lot of charge and putting it on charging means getting up from the floor and shifting to the bed; something I don’t want to do.

Forgive the late hour and my precarious state hanging somewhere between sleepiness and sleeplessness. The thoughts are incoherent and not connected but they are important.

I know who is reading this blog and sometimes that makes it difficult to write. When my thoughts come from the mind instead of the heart I decide to take a break. If it is not instinctive and I have to push myself to type out a post, it defeats the purpose of this blog. What is the purpose of this blog? I don’t know. It is a habit now… a part of me. The day I stop blogging, know that something terrible has happened to me. That should be a period when my life is not worth living and I should think of ending it. Too dark? I was wondering… why let life tell you when it is time to end? Why can’t we tell life when it is time to end it? I mean… the day life loses all meaning, happiness, hope, optimism, it should be time to end it. For me, the year I cannot think of any goals that excite me… that dominate my life… is the day I want to stop living.

I am sorry. I didn’t mean to write that but late nights do a number on me. That is why I sleep at 10 pm. So much safer that way.

You know how it is when we anticipate something? It never turns out that way. It always happens to me and yet I let my imagination run wild. I expect… anticipate… imagine…. and reality is so damn boring. Sometimes, or rather most of the times, I want to live in my head. Everything is so much cooler and so much more fun. The next best option is to live online. Reality sucks. Big time.

There are some friends in my life who could use me dry and I would be ready to offer them more. Or atleast I feel that way right now. Everytime I have a conversation with a friend for an hour, am surprised. I still have so much to say? After years of knowing each other and sharing our deepest, darkest secrets we can still have so much more to talk? J is one such friend. I am so grateful to have her back in my life. I am sending some happy thoughts her way because she really, really needs it. Life is unfair and it takes courage to stand for yourself…. especially if you are alone.

I make new friends every year but they cannot compare with the comfort of someone who has known me forever…. which is 10 years or more. It also makes me wonder- do we ever change or grow or evolve? I feel that deep down we are and will always remain the same. We just make improvements in our exterior selves. We make the same mistakes… we trust the same kind of people… we crave for the same things…

The only thing I look forward to tomorrow is my group class at the gym by my favourite trainer. It is going to be a long and boring day at the salon followed by outfit planning for my trip. Ok, fine, the outfit planning will be lots of work but lots of fun too.

Becoming better at TRX sucks. My favourite trainer does not give me any attention because he has the newbies to train. I got reprimanded today while everyone else got a pat on the back. And then when I cheated on the reps he took one look at my face and told me to complete every rep. Great!!! I am such a terrible liar. I spent the whole class trying to win his approval. It makes me feel like am back in school vying for my favourite teacher’s attention.

On that note – good night. Am off to watch Mad Men till I drop dead. Hopefully, it shouldn’t take too long in this heat.

 


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