Pissed… guilty… upset

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I have been upset the last few days. And guilty. More guilty than upset.

This is what happened. Mom was supposed to call once her Delhi plan was finalized but she didn’t. I knew why… she expected me to call and ask. I didn’t because well… she said she would call when it gets finalized. But I knew that she expected me to call. But I didn’t call. 2 weeks back I had invited her to stay at home… I would pick her up from the station and drop her back.. and take her around. She refused… said it was more convenient to stay in the dharamshala where the religious function is being held. The reality is she didn’t want to come home because of KC. I was hurt. And pissed. More pissed than hurt. But I let it go… this happens every year. She prefers to stay in a hotel in Karol Bagh than come home.

She arrived 2 days back in Gurgaon and called in the morning but I had gone for a run. I called her back as soon as I was back and she said she had asked a friend to arrange for a cab from the Gurgaon station to the dharamshala and was on her way to the dharamshala right now. I was pissed. My house is between the 2 locations and I had offered to pick her up. And she did her usual thing… where she asked if we really need to meet or its ok if we don’t? Basically, she wanted me to sweet talk her to meet me but I was in no mood. I told her its upto her… I have invited her home but she does not want to come. So, there is nothing I want to say beyond that. And if her ego is more important than her daughter… well, there is nothing left to say. It’s been 5 years and I don’t even know WHY she has a problem with KC. So, we fought… and am not meeting her or calling her again.

I have been feeling guilty… that’s not what parents expect from their kids. BUT… what about the kids’ expectations from their parents or is it limited to money/shelter/education? Anything beyond that is not part of the deal?

Today I watched the documentary ‘The World Before Her’… review here. It made me think… for girls/women specially it’s a tough life. We have to fight for everything… with everyone. My parents believe that it’s their absolute right to make decisions about my life till I get married… and then that right passes on to the husband. Yes, I was educated in the convent boarding school but they still expected me to do as they say without questioning. Which is impossible. My strategy was to keep shut till I was independent and then nobody could dictate. Of course, my parents didn’t think that way.

We all hear about the generation gap but I am living in it. The communication is so bad that we cannot talk without fighting… and they don’t even want to hear my point of view. They probably feel the same way. But its MY life and since I don’t judge their life or have the authority to give them advice… it makes no sense that they can have any such rights. Your children are supposed to be part of the family and not someone you want to rule over.

So, this is what I have decided. I am giving up my family because I have no respect there. I can’t fathom why they should be able to talk to me that way or treat me like shit. I, no longer, want to be part of it. Reconciliation can happen only when both sides want it. And since they clearly don’t… I am going to stop trying. No more phone calls… and no more meeting them.

It’s over.

I will slap the person who approaches me to talk about this personally. One tight slap. And comments are disabled. I am writing it to get it off my chest and NOT for your opinions. If I wanted your opinion I would speak to you personally. But since I haven’t I don’t fucking care.

 


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