Part 4

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– Posted on 9th August 2008. True story.

She entered the loo… closed the lid of the pot and sat on it. There was Domex… unused by the Bai since it was mild acid… not strong enough to clean the bathroom. The warning on it said “If consumed accidently, seek medical help immediately”…. She poured some into the cork… and looked at the translucent liquid. Few sips of that and all her problems would be solved. Of course… she was not thinking of the problems that would be created for room-mate, friends, family etc. All she wanted was an end… if not an end to her problems… then an end to herself.

Dare she? Dare she not?

She closed her eyes and took one sip. The liquid burned her lips… hurt her throat. Her guts failed her. She started puking… “Uh… oh…”; she thought. She hated pain. Was there an easy way to die?

She called Rajesh… he didn’t answer his phone… she called him again… he finally picked up.

“Help!!! I swallowed Domex… Help!!!”

– Posted on… I won’t mention the date. Who is he?

  • He is so fat… he looks permanently pregnant
  • He is the sneaky man who will take credit for your work and blame you for his messed up work
  • He is so stupid… after asking me to set up a meeting with an agency… he asks me “Why am I meeting them?”
  • He does not know anything… he delegates all the work to me ‘coz he has no opinions of his own
  • Sometimes I feel he is talking to my boobs
  • He licks his superiors’ ass to get into their good books

– Posted on 18th October 2008. On sales..

Sales is a game. You play games with your superiors… your subordinates play games with you… you and your subordinate plays around with the distributor.

Today my sales executive and I played carrot on a stick with our distributor. In this game, you have to dangle a carrot in front of the db (distributor).

Step 1: Figure out what is db’s preferred carrot

Step 2: Dangle it in front of him

Step 3: Snatch it away from him

Step 3: Dangle half of the carrot

Step 4: Give him a taste of 1/4th of the carrot

Step 5: Promise him half of carrot if he gives you want you want (sales, distribution etc)

Step 6: Give him half of carrot if he gives you twice what you want and after double the committed time

Step 7: Never commit to entire carrot… always keep it out of his reach

Step 8: You will be transferred to another territory or join another organization by the time it is time to give entire carrot. The entire carrot becomes the next ASM’s headache

– Posted on 17th October 2008. Weird men…

Last Sunday while rushing to catch my bus from Rajkot to Ahemdabad I bumped into an old friend. I didn’t recognize him even though we had spoken on the phone less than 2 months back. In my defence, he was losing his hair. Anyway, he was going to A’bad too and we decided to board the same bus.

Everything was going smoothly till he started asking weird questions:

Him (shocked): You drink?

Me: Yep

Him: Bf knows?

Me: Uh.. huh. Yes

Him: And he is ok with it?

Me (wondering where this is leading): Sure… he drinks too… actually he is quite a bewda (the thought of Bf being a bewda made me smile)

Him (scandalized): Are you trying to quit?

Me: Huh? Why will I?

Him: Well… you know… you could have trouble when you have kids and all

Me (What the fuck???): Hey… hey.. hey… I am not a bewdi… I just drink once in a blue moon

Him: How often?

Me (absolutely bored now): Don’t keep a count. Anyway, how is Richa? (his fiancee)

Him: Good.. good. blah… blah… blah. So, Bf knows you are with me?

Me: Yeah

Him: He doesn’t mind?

Me: No

Him: Richa is also very broad minded. She never questions who I am with and where I am going. She has never asked me even once. I can even tell her things like… I went for Garba and was ogling females in backless cholis. All she says is… I know you… you can only look… you will never do anything

Me: wondering… yeh main kahan aa gayi… tried my best to use telepathy to all friends so that someone would call and save me from further torture… but nobody called… not even Bf…:(

– Posted on 13th October 2008. Skills required for a successful career in sales

  • Must have a love for beverages… tea, coffee, cold drink. All the distributors will force these beverages into your mouth… despite your protest. You might as well learn to like it.
  • Must be a good story teller. You should have a story ready when your organization screws up. It should be as imaginative as possible. If the distributor does not receive a particular stock, you can blame it on the snowfall in Kashmir. The supplier can be based there.
  • Know the local language… if you don’t, your salesman will play pranks on you along with retailers and you won’t even realize it
  • Crack dumb jokes. Sales people have the most pathetic sense of humor… the jokes are not funny but everyone laughs anyway. Dumb jokes are a good ice breaker
  • Play games. Being straight forward does not work.
  • Talk a lot… even if it is utter nonsense.
  • Be good with numbers when dealing with your juniors
  • Never quote a number when dealing with your superiors

– Posted on 21st November 2008.

Don’t want to be part of the Race

I don’t want to be part of the Race,

To always finish my homework,

don’t want to raise my hand to answer in class,

“Mam, I know the answer but won’t tell”.

I don’t want to be part of the Race,

To fall in love the first,

seduce him with my virginity,

“I know what you want but won’t give”.

I don’t want to be part of the Race,

To bag the coveted corporate job,

lick someone’s ass to get ahead,

“You can’t make me quit”.

I don’t want to be part of the Race,

to snare a hubby,

Filthy rich, good looking, over-educated,

“No thank you. I prefer being single”.

– Posted on 9th November 2008. Table for 1.. please

Tired of Punjabi khana I headed to Sankalp- Gujarat famous South Indian restaurant.

At the door is a long queue.

Me (to waiter): Table for 1

Waiter: Table for 2?

Me: No… 1

He raises his eyebrows, looks at me and smiles.

Sigh… eating alone in a restaurant at Mumbai or B’glore is acceptable but in a small place like Rajkot… eating alone in a family restaurant is bound to raise a lot of eyebrows… but who cares!!!

I live to eat… not the other way round.

– Posted on 21st December 2008. Promise fulfilled.

I concluded the above yesterday.

This is a true story about X and Y.

X had spent 8 months in Gurgaon… covering all the seasons- winter, summer and monsoon.

Y is from Mumbai and has just moved to Gurgaon. He has never experienced winter.

Y arrived in Gurgaon with one sweatshirt convinced that he would survive the winter comfortably.

X survived winters in Gurgaon with 3 layers of clothing, 2 blankets and a heater.

Very much against Y’s wishes she pulled him to the mall and “made” him spend money on basic necessities like winter clothes. When she left Gurgaon he promised to buy a cap to keep his ears warm.

Last night X called Y and he was shivering. Why? He was wearing shorts… the sweatshirt… no cap (he didn’t buy one)… and sleeping far from the heater.

After 15 mins of nagging he changed into pyajamas, wore his wollen jacket and shifted closer to the heater.

The conclusion I have reached is: “Men make women nag”

I promise to be the biggest nag after marriage… 🙂

– Posted on 2nd December 2008. A post on terror

Khushi and me were sitting in Mc D after shopping. We wanted to try out the ‘Shake Shake fries’ (how these guys con customers… Mc D gives you normal fries, a bag and masala which tastes like Maggi… you have to shake the fries and masala in the bag..).

Khushi: What if someone just pulls out a gun right now and starts shooting

Me: Stop it… you are scaring me

Khushi: C’mon… thats what happened at Leopold… these guys had dinner… PAID… and then started shooting

Me: Isn’t it weird? Why did they pay? Why would you bother about payment if you have come to kill? Eating without paying is wrong but killing is not?

Mumbai people must be going through worse. It will take a long time for people to forget this one.

– Posted on 5th February 2009. Why I do not surprise my guy friends anymore.

AB met with an accident a week back… fractured his right hand and has been chained to his house since then. He has been bored and frustrated… to cheer him up I asked him to add me on facebook…

Me: I will send you a free gift through facebook

Him: Ok… I don’t have anyone to gift me “real” gifts

Me: Well…. don’t think you would like flowers gifted to you… girls generally give flowers

Him: I always appreciate money spent on me

I decided to surprise him by sending flowers through indiatimes. I took his address from DK but didn’t have the pincode… online search confused me more. I decided to ask AB but one conversation led to another and somehow the flowers were sent. 2 days passed without any “Thank you” call. Indiatimes customer care told me the flowers had been delivered.

“What kind of a guy is he?? He has not even thanked me.. we speak on the phone regularly”… On the 3rd day I thought enough was enough… either Indiatimes got it wrong or AB was an ungrateful creep… either way I had to figure out.

Me: Hi… did you receive any flowers?

AB: Yes… yesterday… but they came from an anonymous person… the delivery man said I would receive a call… I have been waiting for the call

Me: What the fuck?? How could they not write my name?

AB (sounding a little disappointed): YOU sent the flowers? I thought some female who has a crush on me sent them…

Me: I used to hope that when I was 15… you are 25… why would any girl send you flowers anonymously? And you don’t have to sound so disappointed… I am sorry for breaking your dreams

AB (sounding more disappointed): No… no… it is nothing like that

Me: Btw… you didn’t say thanks

AB: Right… right… thanks so much

Sigh… buri tarah poppat ho gaya… I vow not to send any surprise gifts to any guy again… men expect too much…

– Posted on 15th December 2009. None of this has changed…

I am kindof getting used to meeting KC 4-5 days in a month. Now the tears come after he has left which is an improvement ‘coz it makes him feel less worse.

He stayed for 3 whole days which is the longest since Diwali. The house looks like a tornado has hit. Some things that I love and hate and miss about him:

  • He spends most of the time sleeping… our most conversations begin with… that day when you were asleep… when we went to Goa you slept… you slept when we reached Munnar… will you fall asleep as soon as we reach home? To give an example… he slept all day on Saturday… on Sat night… Sunday afternoon… Sunday night… Sunday morning… Sunday night… Monday afternoon
  • He is absent minded… he will exchange lids of 2 different jars. I spend energy on closing the lid properly only to realize that it is the wrong one
  • He is absent minded/lazy… I remind him to latch the door once I am gone… then I remind him on gtalk on my phone to latch the door (finally he does it)… to switch on the geyser… and then take a bath… I return to find the geyser is still switched on
  • He is absent minded…  He requests me to buy a shaving cream and razor.. he has to shave before leaving. I go through the trouble… remind him to carry it with him so he can shave tomorrow. He assures me he has packed them in his bag… I return home to find them in the exact same spot I left them
  • He misses his friends… he is very happy when I decline to accompany him to meet his friends and go shopping instead… he spends a happy hour playing video games (I can understand the obsession with cars… bikes… girls… but video games????)
  • He makes me eat pulses/vegetables… I experiment cooking chole even though I am not fan.

Him: I will have 4 chappattis… always remember it… 4 is my limit

I have a bro and know that men’s appetites are very unreliable. I bake 9 chappattis…. 4 for me… 4 for him… 1 extra.

I have 3… he has 6… 🙂 and would have kept going if there was more.

  • He loves to cuddle… I wake up early and finish cleaning… he wakes up late… looks for me in the house… hugs me and sleeps beside me… which is sooooooooooooooo cute
  • He hates to be nagged… so I ensure I team up with his Mom and give her enough fodder to nag him
  • When I go to work he pings me on gtalk on my phone requesting me to come home soon… and sweet talks… I cannot resist it… come home asap… to find him asleep…

Good night people… if you have a spouse sleeping beside you consider yourself lucky. All of us take certain things for granted… but not everyone may have them…

 


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