I was in Gurgaon yesterday and didn’t get nostalgic at all. In fact, I could barely remember what life was like last year there. It made me wonder which city I can consider home now.
Mumbai is comfortable like an ex I would rebound with. I know I will hate it afterwards but atleast it feels familiar. It is bad sex but atleast there are no unwelcome surprises.
Kolkata is too new to be home. It isn’t even a contender. This city is a short term adventure.
Gurgaon feels like a love I need to get away from because I was obsessed. Not feeling anything is a relief. I can move on and make space for a new love.
Birth city (Himmatnagar) is a painful reminder of everything I had to give up for the life I craved to live.
So, where is home exactly? Where do I nest? Where do I escape to recoup?
Is it a city?
Is it wherever we decide to anchor for a bit?
Is it wherever KC and our stuff is together?
People constantly ask me to stop “overthinking”. C’est La Vie. Whatever will be, will be.
I told Mann, “it is like I can see colour and everyone around is asking me to start seeing only black and white. How can I stop seeing what I can see? How do I close my eyes and senses to everything around me? Isn’t colour more fun than black and white?”
I’d rather be an overthinker than someone simple. Thankfully, there are enough “overthinkers” around to never let me feel out of place. This blog wouldn’t be half as interesting without it. Or would it? Do you want me to go back to posting my to-do lists? Would those get more hits than these ramblings about the same topics over and over again?
I have ghosted many people in the last few months and some of it is coming to bite me back. Because going back to someone you have ghosted is very, very, very hard. It takes weeks and months of consistent effort and explanations to build back the trust and friendship. Lesson learned – be absolutely sure before ghosting someone. Even then, string them along till am sure I never want them around. Or just string them along and keep up a pretence. Who knows when someone is needed. Right? What if am up at 3 am and need someone to talk to? Ghosting the only 3 am friend is foolhardy. Everyone can be useful at the right time.
Timing is everything. Right things at the wrong time mean nothing. If you don’t reciprocate my feelings, they will disappear. Because nothing lasts forever. Only things you work towards, last. When it ends, it is gone forever. There is no turning back. You could make many gestures but they will be futile. Every human has boundaries and limitations. And those are time bound.
Stuff I would like to spend time doing everyday
- Reading. 10 pages everyday and then gradually increase it to 50 pages
- Working out. On track
- Writing. On the blog or in a journal.
That’s it. This week is filled with travel, work pressure, stress, long days and early mornings.
Puts out the scented candle
Closes the balcony door
Turns off Spotify
Sets the alarm for 6 am wake up call
Double checks the locked door