Empty days…

Posted on

Now that I have brought my (personal) laptop to Kolkata I will TRY and blog daily (!!!).

Since am old fashioned,

Writing on paper with pen >>> Typing on laptop >>> Typing on Ipad/Phone.

The writing has been slow recently not because of lack of intent but once I come home, I like to chill. Work, followed by gym, gets exhausting and all I want to do is not think at all at night. Writing needs lots and lots of brain activity which is why I may not be upto it on a weekday. Weekends are spent travelling to Mumbai and catching up on chores, not to mention unpacking + packing.

In short, life is quite busy and “me” time is a luxury. It will get better in a few months. After all, if I can’t have a work life balance in Kolkata, which other city on this planet will be able to offer it to me?

Some days are a mixed bag. You may come across a bit of good luck and a bit of bad luck. Today was one such day.

Anyway, adios.

I will get better at this in a few days so stay with me while I meander through an empty mind for now.

Ugh festivals and ugh year endings

Posted on

The year is coming to an end. This is generally a happy period with lots to look forward to, count the blessings for the year and hope for better things next year.

But am not in the mood. I don’t want to count any blessings because the shit of 2019 still rankles. It still hurts and feels humiliating. It feels unfair and am not in the mood to forgive, forget or be generous. I would like to sleep off the next 2 months and wake up in January.

It is not ok that I wake up every morning questioning myself and being aware of everything I do every moment of everyday. It is not ok that the fear of screwing  up is always with me and from an overconfident person am now someone who barely has faith in herself. It is not ok that I have to go through this struggle when it could be the circumstances or other people who brought me to this point.

This year has not been ok. Period.

I don’t want to pretend like am not jealous of everyone enjoying their Diwali. This is a weird time for me and any Diwali when we haven’t taken a trip (usually to Goa) has been fucked up. I look forward to and dread this festival in equal measure. I should be grateful I get to escape it and there was the option of taking a day off despite my first month end in a new job. But am too worried about how much I don’t know and how much I have to do at work to relax. The entire holiday would have been spent making “to do” lists and really, who wants to travel with such a freak. Ok, maybe my partner does or maybe he is good at ignoring my freakiness. But even I don’t want to be around myself when am like this.


I hate y’all.


Diversity at the workplace

Posted on

I was having a discussion on how to bring in diversity into my team with someone. Let’s call him Mr X.

Disclaimer: Before the women who’ve never called out a man for his misogyny, get offended by this post, I must mention a few things.

There are 3 kinds of men on this planet – those who are misogynistic and don’t give a shit, those who are misogynistic but have been evolving over the years and those who are misogynistic and pretend to be feminists. Basically, all men are misogynists and it will be decades before even one man can considered a feminist.

I can monitor and control a man’s behavior around me but what he does with other women is beyond my scope of influence. My husband is the only man am accountable and responsible for. His behavior with other women and evolution from a misogynist to a feminist is what I have been sent to this planet for.

This discussion is with someone who has evolved over the years and is open to being challenged for his views. The fact that we have a great personal and professional relationship despite being on opposite sides of every issue is proof of that. He is also one of the men I don’t have to hold back with. I can bring all my passion and aggression to the table without scaring him off. Hell, it makes him respect and like me more.

Moving on… this is not the verbatim discussion, I have added 2-3 hours of internal debate to this. If you planned to argue with me over this topic, am well prepared.

Me : I would like to bring diversity into the team

X : Gender shouldn’t be the first priority, competency should. There should be no bias.

Me : The objective of reservations for oppressed and backward groups of people in India is to bring people to the same level and make up for the lack of opportunities that the privileged class enjoys. Is that bias? Similarly, as women we have and continue to face oppression and discrimination in all spheres of our lives. Till we are not guaranteed the same freedom as the men, we need to be given priority to bring us at the same level.

Example, the organization decides to hire people with special needs. Would they focus on competency and hope one of them is also disabled or would they shortlist candidates with special needs who also meet the competency? It is the same for women.

Men get hired for jobs because

  • of merit (rarely)

  • they know the hiring manager (very common)

  • they know someone who knows the hiring manager (very, very common)

Men rarely get recruited or promoted because of competency. Mostly, it has to do with everything else but that. But as soon as you want to give gender a preference, it is not kosher. The hackles go up because how DARE women get preference at the workplace. In these men’s homes, women shut up and fulfill the role of a mother, daughter in law, a wife and a whore in bed. They don’t ask for anything more. Why do men have to deal with this kind of crap at work? Why should men have to adjust, change, evolve and pretend to be decent human beings around these inferior beings?

1.5 years back I was in a room with 3 other men. 1 was my manager, 1 was a peer and 1 was a grade below. They were all nodding along and appreciating the handful of women (1 per person) they know in sales. These mediocre men with below average intellect had the balls to judge another woman who am sure is far, far better than them. Every female I have worked with in sales (atleast 5, if not more) is excellent at her job. Basis my experience, I should hire only women in sales. Right?

Rant over.


Lame attempt at a poem when exhausted and sleepy

Posted on

Isn’t it wonderful to just BE with someone?
No masks or insecurities.
No measuring your words.
No fear of judgement.
Just lay your heart bare about what a shitty year it has been.
No need to hide tears that threaten to spill.

No facade of optimism or hiding the disappointment at the failure.
No shame at wanting to sell out because the price you pay to be yourself is too high.
No worry of imposing during a traumatic time.
Rather the feeling of warmth for the privilege of being there.

Sharing words.

Sharing silences.

Sharing the books you’ve loved the most.

Snatched moments in a year.

A year’s worth of conversation compressed in 5 hours.

And a feeling that you belong.

Reality is a nightmare we wake up to…

Posted on

I woke up from a dream and while I desperately need to go back to sleep, if this trail of thought is not caught, it will get lost by morning.

Atleast in dreams we can be the person we wish we had the guts to be in real life.

Atleast in dreams our relationships can be perfect the way they are supposed to be or the way they used to be (but really, were they ever?).

In one of the sessions I told the therapist that some things seem more complicated in my life compared to others. She replied that that is not true. It is complicated for everyone. I guess some people live on the surface and ignore the complications while others whitewash them and present a happy front to the world.

My reaction is to clam up and never talk about it. And then new people start asking questions and are surprised that part of my life exists. With people who have known me for 10+ years it is more of a checking in activity. They are just checking the status without expecting it to transform magically into perfection.

But it is so much harder with new people. Like, how much farther into history do I have to delve to get to the source. Was the source my childhood or much later? Where is the beginning of when things really started to go downhill? Where is that point where I took the road which took me into conflict instead of compromise? It is much easier to evade the topic than try and explain. Even I haven’t been able to see the complete picture despite distancing myself.

A hint – this is in reference to my family and if I get more specific, there will be a phone call from home asking me to delete this blog (#trustory). Because there are people keeping tabs on it (thank you, atleast someone reads it).

My weeks start with counting the number of days it has been since family has called and ending with relief that there is no phone call. Because there is never good news at the other end. Just conflict I may be part of or a bystander to it.

I chose a path that led to less complications which equals a path of selfishness. There is a price I continue to pay for it.

Except in my dreams. When everything can be perfect.

Thoughts from my journal

Posted on

Is a known devil better than an unknown one?

Would you rather trust someone who has proved to be untrustworthy or someone you barely know? What if you absolutely had to choose between the two and there was no third option?

I’d rather place my trust in someone whose dark/nasty side I have seen. Because then I know exactly what they are capable of and how low they can go. For every human close to me, it is important for me to know their range – their best self and their worst self.

I trust when I know what is beyond the facade. Because there is generally never anything pleasant behind it. All of us are a bunch of contradictions and people who refuse to drop the facade don’t interest me.

I’d rather know about your lowest lows than your highest highs.

Good night!!! Must end the rambling and give the mind some rest.

Things to do

Posted on

Everday is a new day and you can wake up in the morning and press the reset button.

Just a few things I would like to do this week and every week :

  • Hit the gym. Get my 3 strength training sessions done. 1 done, 2 more to go.

  • Run a 10 km on Sunday morning. Great way to explore the city. Running route suggestions most welcome. I don’t do loops. Hate loops. Unless they are around Lodhi Gardens.

  • Eat 100 gm of protein everyday starting today.

  • Have 2-3 scoops of whey everyday. Am used to 1 scoop so 3 is quite a stretch, even for me.

  • Eat atleast 2 veggies everyday. Harder than it looks. Way harder.

  • Stop being such an introvert and meet all the people I know in Kolkata. Even if they are boring. They are human company. Always better than WhatsApp messages with people who don’t give a fuck.

  • Journal everyday. Mandatory.

  • Call A. This shouldn’t have to be on a list. And the fact that it is, makes me a pathetic friend. Should have been done already.

  • Focus on the process and the results will follow. I know this. I chanted this everyday at some point in my life.

  • Build back the support system to meet my goals. A strong network is everything.

  • Read books of different genres everyday. Even if it is only 1 chapter of each book.

  • Stop criticizing. Just stop. Put your blinkers back on. Every situation is an opportunity so capitalize on it. Focus on building credibility.

  • Be patient. Be humble. Observe. There will be enough time for action. That time isn’t now.

  • Follow so many dog accounts on IG that everytime you open the App, you are rewarded with the pic of a good boy/girl.

  • Acknowledge am lonely in a new city and at the new workplace. It is ok. But it isn’t a new feeling and I will face it every few years. So find non destructive ways of dealing with it.

  • I would write spend less time on social media but doing all the above will automatically lead to that.

Ciao. Time to leave my King size bed and start on all of the above. Good day y’all.


A love story

Posted on

I was ready by 3.30 am but the cab wouldn’t arrive before 3.45 am, at the earliest. Being punctual sucks sometimes. The noise and the lights didn’t wake him up. Maybe he slept late again. I didn’t even hear him enter the bedroom and he had strict instructions not to disturb my deep sleep by trying to hug me.

The cab was almost here and I didn’t have the heart to wake him up and tell him am leaving. I imagined leaving quietly and his waking up to an empty and silent house. It broke my heart. I reached over to give a quick peck on the forehead without leaving my pink fuschia lipgloss marks. He woke up.

“Go to sleep. Am leaving”

“No. No. I will see you till the door”.

And he did.

Like always.

And waited till the lift arrived.


Corporate trainings

Posted on

Topics on which I have received training in the corporate:

  • How to recruit

  • How to manage a team of executives

  • How to manage and lead a team of managers

  • Crucial conversations

  • Time management

  • How to be more productive and efficient

Topics I have not and never will be trained on :

  • How to empathize.

  • How to deal with failure. Because failure is a very real possibility now. So far I have focused on not failing but now I realize that failure is inevitable. How to pivot and spring back is the real challenge.

  • How to have a work life balance. Most people in the room don’t have any hobbies or interests and I wonder what are they working for. Isn’t earning money a means to a comfortable life and personal growth? How do you grow if you don’t have a life after work? How do you live if you don’t make your family a big priority? What do you come home to? Such people are beyond my understanding. On the other hand, people who do have interests outside of work are better managers and leaders, in my experience.

  • How to take a break from work, evaluate your goals and frame a path towards it.

  • How to align your values with the organization’s values and what to do incase of a disconnect. Quitting an organization because your values and ethics are being compromised is perfectly alright. Quitting because the mental torture is not worth the money you are being paid is perfectly alright.

  • How to manage your time and finish work within official working hours. Should be a mandatory training for most people.

That’s it for now.

Corporate trainings make me very grumpy.

When should you shag…

Posted on

This is for women only because I have no idea why or when men shag or if it is just a habit for them.

  • When you can’t find a dick
  • When you can find a dick
  • When it’s a dissatisfying dick
  • When it’s a veeerrryyy satisfying dick
  • When you can’t sleep at night
  • When you can’t wake up for the gym in the morning
  • When you are exhausted
  • When you are feeling alive
  • When you are alone
  • When you have a house full of people *cough* long showers *cough*
  • Before working out
  • After working out
  • When you are lonely
  • When you are bored
  • When you are reading
  • When you are in the middle of a series. Sometimes you don’t even need to hit pause
  • When you are watching porn
  • Everyday
  • Once a week
  • Once a month, minimum

Basically, women please shag. Know your body. Explore your body. Figure out your turn ons and turn offs.

Because a man can’t make you cum. Only you can make yourself cum.