Everytime I move cities, some friends fall to the fringes and others come into focus. This time am moving to a city where I don’t have any friends so it will be quite lonely. I wish I could say I will make new friends. But the last closest friendship that I could rely on was formed at B school. Since then, all the friendships formed haven’t survived the years and the distance. Let me clarify that I don’t mean friends in general. I wouldn’t want to offend anyone but a friendship which feels comfortable. A friendship which hasn’t been impacted by distance, career changes, marriage (would mention kids but I have a hard time not judging people with kids), difference in economic status (you are in denial if you think this doesn’t impact relationships) etc etc. A friendship where I am going to remember their birthday every year, without social media. Where I am going to be available whenever and wherever am required. Where I am going to travel to Bangalore or Jabalpur (an example) for our annual meetup. Where I am not worried about being judged. Where I know the person will be upfront with me about everything. Where I trust and love blindly.
I can’t do that anymore with new people. Most relationships today are transactional. I will walk as many steps towards as you are willing to towards me. There is a middle line and I want you to meet me there.
Even when I meet people from the past I had disagreements with, there is a special comfort level. There is a certain kinship and bonding which is missing with people who came into my life later. Do time and shared experiences matter so much? Is spare time during college, missing these days in life, matter so much for strong friendships?
Like, I didn’t speak to a close friend for a year. I didn’t want to talk about the disastrous year I was having and kept a distance. Our conversations are too intense for me to be able to pretend like life is perfect. I distanced myself without explanation. But it only took a few messages to get back to where we were.
On the other hand, a friend and I were in touch daily because we were in the same boat and going through similar things in life. Our situations have changed and our messaging has reduced. At one point, it may stop entirely.
Does this mean, this is it? The friends I made (thank heavens for those) are the only ones am going to have and there is no point in even trying for more?
Or are these walls constructed by me force fitting everyone into separate boxes and it is my doing entirely?
Is putting yourself out there even worth it?