When you have been with someone for a long time, you tend to forget who you are. Where you end and where your partner starts. Independence is the most important thing in my life. The freedom to be who I am. Even if it is wrong or insensitive or criminal. I also need to know that I will be fine. Without the people in my life, I will still be ok. Because the only reality of life is that everyone leaves. And I never want to depend so much on anyone that I fall apart when people leave. Sure, it is going to hurt and feel like hell. But I never want to hit rock bottom without people.
In the last few months, I have been asking myself who I am. What do I want? What would I do if I wasn’t in a long term relationship? What decisions would I take? Of course, when you ask yourself these questions; you force your partner to ask them too. And then there is the danger that the answers may not be good. Because you can’t leave your partner at one point, ask him to wait while you ponder and then come back and start exactly where you were. You have to ask these questions at the risk of ruining a very good relationship. For me these questions have been more important and I had to ask them. I am sure I will ask them few years from now again.
The move to Mumbai hasn’t been as difficult as I thought it would be. And I have been doing fine living alone. Hell, I have cried only once when I was alone in the house for an hour for the first time. I am sure I will be fine without people. I will be ok if people I love the most leave. But I am so glad they are around. They make me happy. I don’t NEED them but I do WANT them.
And that my friends, has been my most honest post in a long time.