You already know I don’t celebrate Indian festivals because they make no sense.
*So, you want me to spend money, wear new clothes, perform Puja, burst crackers and act happy because some dude called Ram in a fictional story killed someone, returned from a vanvaas and then proceeded to ill treat his wife? That makes NO sense.”
Don’t worry, this isn’t a rant because I enjoy the long holidays (don’t seem so long today when am back at work).
- All the lights. So many lights. Diyas.
- Rangolis. Specially the ones you can make with stencils for artistically challenged people like me. See, see, main bhi M F Hussain. Or not. Because his paintings aren’t festive.
- The chill in the air. Nothing to do with Diwali but still.
- The holidays. The longest holidays in the year.
- Bribes in the form of Diwali gifts sent by agencies. Surreptitiously sent to your home instead of work place. (I didn’t say this happens to me).
- Diwali gifts from the company. Even if they are super lame.
- The discounts in stores. I negotiated with Reliance Digital, Croma, Sargam Electronics and Vijay Sales to get the best deal. And all of it on the phone. Why walk into all the stores when you can get them to call you through twitter?
- Trips during Diwali. Heaven.
- Empty gym. Oh-my-God… so good. So, so, so good. Thumbs down to all the losers who have ruined their entire year’s effort.
- The crackers. I would NEVER burst crackers on the road. That is where I run. I don’t want to run on dirty roads.
- The crackers. The number of people I know who have fallen ill during Diwali or have trouble breathing is not remotely funny or enjoyable
- Diwali baksheesh. Even if you skip the festival, you have to give extra money to people who make your life comfortable throughout the year. Because they celebrate Diwali and need the extra money. My problem is when random people expect Diwali money. Like, the postman who has never visited the house or the building cleaner who is a substitute for a few days and is trying to get the permanent guy’s deserved money.
- Tolerating family for 5 or more days. Don’t go by the fb pics. It is torture. People only do it for homemade free food.
- Food. All that fried stuff and mithais. The 4th or 5th day (don’t remember which) of Diwali is celebrated in Gujarat as New Year’s and everyone house hops where they HAVE to eat what is served. Snacks are a mixture of dry fruits, fried namkeen and mithais. It is a good way to finish off leftovers and get rid of last year’s expired stuff.
- All those chocolates. Even when you avoid buying them, they land up inside the house.
- Being bombarded by ads. My newspapers weighed a few kilos extra because of all the random flyers
- No good movie releases because one of the Khans will choose this holiday to torture us.
- Gaining weight. Last time I went home, I gained 5 kgs in less than 10 days. I stayed away from crap this time. Mostly.
- Everyone around you asking why you are not home for Diwali. Worse, why aren’t you visiting in-laws for Diwali. If I have to stay home, I’d rather stay in my own house na.
- All those Diwali wishes. Now people don’t even have to spend money to send them. Bummer. I replied with “Wish you the same” because “same to you” does not sound festive.
- Indian festive wear. Stop… stop… you are hurting my eyes.