(I know, I know, you are not little anymore. What are you? 25? 26? Sometimes I have to think of myself at that age and try to treat you like an adult).
This was supposed to be an email but right now even getting out of bed is a big effort. So, am doing this on the blog. Because that’s what you do as a blogger- you use your feelings and personal stuff for hits. I am not going back and reading your posts before writing this because I have been thinking about it for a while.
I don’t know what is bothering you. And like any normal, useless person giving advice, I will make assumptions. It is your corporate job, isn’t it? It sucks. The first two years are the most disillusioning. It is soul crushing and boring. Once my honeymoon period was over, I cried every night. I was lonely, alone in a city I hated and didn’t know anybody. Sure, I had a boyfriend but it wasn’t enough. You know why? Because I wasn’t happy with myself. So, there was no way anyone else could have made me happy. Do I love my job now? Most days. Do I hate it? Not on the weekends, when the weekday whoring funds my passions and lets me explore this world. Want to know a secret? Everyone hates their job- even that writer who has just published his/her book.
Not the corporate job?
I am wrong and something else is bothering you? Until you tell me, I can’t help you. I may not know when you are happy but once I know you are unhappy, it hurts. I can feel it in my bones then. All those things about blood being thicker than water seem true. I can’t feel KC’s unhappiness like this even though we are together 24/7. But I can feel you and it makes me sad too. And then I cry, like I did when you were little and in the hostel with me getting homesick and seeing you cry made me cry too. Yeah, yeah, I was crappy as the elder sister.
This too shall pass. 10 years down the line you will be glad it didn’t work out. We meet the right people at the right time. Why? Because that is when we are ready. I have never seen sad people meet someone and stay together for long. You need to be comfortable in your own skin before you can be comfortable with someone else. Get on tinder, have some fun, get lots of sexual experience. Your partner will be grateful. Trust me.
Success, money, love don’t make one happy. Happiness is not personal. It is when you forget yourself, can you be happy. And it isn’t constant. It comes in bursts. If you can look at the sky and be grateful you are alive, you are happy. Just like sadness, you can’t be happy 24/7. And nobody else can make you happy. Only when you are happy with yourself, is there space for someone else to make you happy. This is a very important lesson of life and one you need to learn… fast.
External help :
Whatever you are going through, somebody already has. Maybe even 90% of the people on this planet have and they deal with it. Personally, I don’t agree with external help from psychiatrists. You need to fight your own battles with help from people around you. Psychiatrists are crutches and one never goes off them. Need to talk to someone? Talk to yourself. I do it all the time. Am I crazy? Maybe. But what is life without craziness?
You are the sweetest, most sensitive, soft spoken, funny, witty person I know. (KC cannot believe you are my brother considering how loud I am). And one, who does not have one mean bone in this body. You are so awesome. How can someone this awesome not be happy? You light up our lives and each of us dotes on you. None of us have been loved like you have. It isn’t fair that you are not happy.
Stop thinking about yourself and look around. The world does not revolve around you, you have to revolve around it. Get out, meet new people, write, read, talk, eat, laugh, drink, dance, run, gym, cycle… do everything that makes you forget yourself. That is all you need to deal with whatever shit you are going through. And take risks. Because if you fall, there are 8 hands waiting to cushion the fall.
My house has only 1 picture in the case. Know which one it is? Why this one? Because this is right before life screwed us over and made us grow up.