Everything hurts

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Stopping hurts.

But going too fast hurts too.

 

Turning back hurts.

Staying still hurts so much more.

 

Lonely nights hurt.

But early mornings are so much worse. They bring tears.

 

A phone without notifications hurts.

So does a ringing phone. It brings along empty conversations.

 

Pretending to be ok hurts.

Laying my heart bare hurts so much more.

 

Reconciliation hurts.

So does parting. And holidays bring both.

 

Music hurts.

So does silence.

 

Everything hurts.

And I don’t know why.


Is it ok to cry?

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Is it ok to cry

and not know why?

To feel a boulder sized hole in your heart

and wonder where it came from.

 

Is it ok to cry alone

and refuse to share it with anyone?

To feel things like things are not right

but not be able to pinpoint why.

 

Is it ok to sleep with happy thoughts

and wake up feeling like life is over?

To look at your hotel room window and crave for home

when the place exists no more.

 

Is it ok to feel like your heart is breaking

when all around you are people who love you immensely?

 

Is it ok to cry

and not know why?


Childhood

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I came across my poems book… yep… hand written poems book. As a teenager I wrote very bad poems. I have written down each poem and saved the book. I don’t save up stuff… I am more the de-cluttering kind where all the old, treasured stuff becomes a part of trash every few years. And as people move out of my life stuff related to them also moves out. But this book is special. It will remain with me all my life. I am still the same kid at heart with those same feelings. Nothing has changed and that is good as well as bad.

Here is one poem which reflects my state of mind correctly:

Childhood

I wish I was a kid
no cares for the world
no worries to call my own
life’s simple pleasures in abundance.

There was no need
to distinguish between rights and wrongs
just lessons to learn
and games to play.

I yearn for the detachment
that childhood offers
making things easier
feeling lucky to be born.

I want this loneliness to depart
that sometimes gets my heart down
so many friends around
and yet to none, these feeling I can own.

Good night… watching ‘Seinfeld’ on Star World. Need to laugh.


Why? Why…. oh why?

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Why did you teach me about fairness
about morals… truth… honesty
about independence… dreams… friendship

Why didn’t you teach me about games of life
about manipulation… diplomacy… society
about colleagues… ambitions… dependance

I feel unequipped to lead this life
every decision of mine is incorrect
every person I trust stabs me

I dreamed of being good… nice… honest.. straight forward
I realized it was futile
I have to be manipulative… diplomatic… ambitious

I don’t have time to think.. to breathe.. to live