Ok. So, this is another baby related post. I wasn’t planning to write a 3rd post today BUT I think these things need to be said. There are many women like me who don’t understand this whole baby business but they end up being suppressed by the highly vocal, maternal brigade specially on our facebook walls.
Today was my last visit to the gynaecologist for the next 4 months atleast. There is nothing wrong with me… yet. All the reports are normal. I have been given folic acid tablets and some others for mild PCOS. Including the vitamin D and B12 tablets prescribed by the orthopaedic and others by dermatologist, I will have to take 7 pills in a day. The gynaec asked me to come back after 4 months if am not pregnant and then they will test if everything is ok with my tubes. It will involve injecting a dye into the tubes (don’t even ask me how) and then X ray it to figure out if everything looks ok. At this stage, KC’s sperms will be checked too. We haven’t even tried for a whole year. Like, we haven’t even ‘tried’ to have a baby seriously even once till now. And am regretting the whole bit already.
I asked KC why he wants a baby. When he said that I was the one who agreed to it, I made it clear it is only because he wants one. I am still not convinced about a baby and all. Kya zaroorat hai? His answer- he had a great childhood, would like to have a family and create similar memories. Sounds fair.
Except am worried that:
– He wants to have a baby because he is bored with me or will be bored someday and needs a filler in our life
– I will not be the centre of his attention once we have a kid. I only have to compete with ‘Tanks’ on his Ipad and cricket on weekends right now. Can I compete with a baby?
– And what about my body? I don’t want it to go through all those changes… I don’t want to get fat
– If the process before conceiving is this terrible, what happens when I do get pregnant? That will be the worst 9 months of my life. How the hell will I keep myself positive through that? And how much can I rage on social media before everyone blocks me out? It’s bad enough KC is complaining about how negative am on fb. I think I should unfriend him and block him out. What do you think?
– What if I hate the baby? Like, cannot stand it? What if I lose interest?
– What if the baby is the end of the relationship between KC and me?
– What if we don’t have a baby and KC is unhappy but does not express it and am guilty and end up resenting him?
– What if the whole world is wrong and having a baby sucks?
– What if having a baby means keeping my hobbies and career on hold?
– What if… What if… What if…
So, we’ve decided to try seriously for 6 months and if it doesn’t happen, we give up. No injecting dyes into my tubes and shit. THAT is not happening. And if he still wants a baby, we will adopt…. a dog. I don’t think we are cat people.
FYI- It takes 1-2 years atleast to get pregnant. We have been trying for 2 months only… so nothing to worry really. But am not willing to dedicate 2 years of my life over this.