Which one are you?

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Are you:

  1. A selfless person who cares about everyone around and is sensitive to every little feeling. Someone who tries to be available for those she cares about. Is trying to be the glue who brings a family together. For better or for worse.

Or

  1. A selfish person who can’t put anyone before her needs. Someone who will avoid conflicts and escape unpleasant situations. Comes across as a cold person with no feelings and doesn’t have an affectionate bone in her body.

What are the consequences that each of them face :

  1. Absorbs all the negative energy affecting her mental health and quality of life. Gets manipulated easily and can’t judge people’s real motives. Is in everyone’s good books but is always privy to every conflict.

  2. Is able to distance herself from conflicts and preserve her mental health. Everyone hates her but she can see through the bullshit and manipulation. Alone but at peace.

Which one are you?

Which one would you rather be?


Threads of yarn

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I went for a run yesterday to Hanging Gardens. The plan was to run a few (1 or 2, depending on fitness levels) repeats on the slope (3-4 km), have breakfast and head home. Something truly magical happened. I couldn’t stop and it was a 10 km slope run through Walkeshwar and Peddar road. At one point at a signal I asked a septuagenarian for directions to Hanging Gardens through Peddar road.

Him – Take a left and then a sharp left. But beta, it is quite steep

Me – Haanji, Uncleji. It is hill repeats day today.

When I approached L in May, my red flags were that I couldn’t get out of bed for a run and couldn’t muster any enthusiasm for blogging and the gym. Something was truly wrong. Was I bored of running? Is it because I stopped running half marathons and there was nothing to train for anymore?

Like a friend said – Your life has turned around for the better

Me – Has it? How do I know it is for the better and not for worse? Most days I don’t even know what am doing. What if counting your blessings jinxes it?

Thoughts in my head are like tangled threads of yarn. I need to look for a free end, pick it up, start wrapping it around my hand neatly till I get to the last end. Then store it aside in a box with all the other untangled balls.

Why did I stop running? And why was it effortless now? Running keeps me sane and I rely on it to get me through shit in my life. But if I can’t run at the low points, how do I survive? If the drugs that are supposed to help are not to be taken when you are low, how do you get better?

My theory is that I need to be at a certain minimum threshold of mental health to push me out of bed for a run. As long as am above it, running is the only therapy I need. But when it falls below that, it is a red flag and I need help.