Reality is a nightmare we wake up to…

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I woke up from a dream and while I desperately need to go back to sleep, if this trail of thought is not caught, it will get lost by morning.

Atleast in dreams we can be the person we wish we had the guts to be in real life.

Atleast in dreams our relationships can be perfect the way they are supposed to be or the way they used to be (but really, were they ever?).

In one of the sessions I told the therapist that some things seem more complicated in my life compared to others. She replied that that is not true. It is complicated for everyone. I guess some people live on the surface and ignore the complications while others whitewash them and present a happy front to the world.

My reaction is to clam up and never talk about it. And then new people start asking questions and are surprised that part of my life exists. With people who have known me for 10+ years it is more of a checking in activity. They are just checking the status without expecting it to transform magically into perfection.

But it is so much harder with new people. Like, how much farther into history do I have to delve to get to the source. Was the source my childhood or much later? Where is the beginning of when things really started to go downhill? Where is that point where I took the road which took me into conflict instead of compromise? It is much easier to evade the topic than try and explain. Even I haven’t been able to see the complete picture despite distancing myself.

A hint – this is in reference to my family and if I get more specific, there will be a phone call from home asking me to delete this blog (#trustory). Because there are people keeping tabs on it (thank you, atleast someone reads it).

My weeks start with counting the number of days it has been since family has called and ending with relief that there is no phone call. Because there is never good news at the other end. Just conflict I may be part of or a bystander to it.

I chose a path that led to less complications which equals a path of selfishness. There is a price I continue to pay for it.

Except in my dreams. When everything can be perfect.


Thoughts from my journal

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Is a known devil better than an unknown one?

Would you rather trust someone who has proved to be untrustworthy or someone you barely know? What if you absolutely had to choose between the two and there was no third option?

I’d rather place my trust in someone whose dark/nasty side I have seen. Because then I know exactly what they are capable of and how low they can go. For every human close to me, it is important for me to know their range – their best self and their worst self.

I trust when I know what is beyond the facade. Because there is generally never anything pleasant behind it. All of us are a bunch of contradictions and people who refuse to drop the facade don’t interest me.

I’d rather know about your lowest lows than your highest highs.

Good night!!! Must end the rambling and give the mind some rest.


Things to do

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Everday is a new day and you can wake up in the morning and press the reset button.

Just a few things I would like to do this week and every week :

  • Hit the gym. Get my 3 strength training sessions done. 1 done, 2 more to go.

  • Run a 10 km on Sunday morning. Great way to explore the city. Running route suggestions most welcome. I don’t do loops. Hate loops. Unless they are around Lodhi Gardens.

  • Eat 100 gm of protein everyday starting today.

  • Have 2-3 scoops of whey everyday. Am used to 1 scoop so 3 is quite a stretch, even for me.

  • Eat atleast 2 veggies everyday. Harder than it looks. Way harder.

  • Stop being such an introvert and meet all the people I know in Kolkata. Even if they are boring. They are human company. Always better than WhatsApp messages with people who don’t give a fuck.

  • Journal everyday. Mandatory.

  • Call A. This shouldn’t have to be on a list. And the fact that it is, makes me a pathetic friend. Should have been done already.

  • Focus on the process and the results will follow. I know this. I chanted this everyday at some point in my life.

  • Build back the support system to meet my goals. A strong network is everything.

  • Read books of different genres everyday. Even if it is only 1 chapter of each book.

  • Stop criticizing. Just stop. Put your blinkers back on. Every situation is an opportunity so capitalize on it. Focus on building credibility.

  • Be patient. Be humble. Observe. There will be enough time for action. That time isn’t now.

  • Follow so many dog accounts on IG that everytime you open the App, you are rewarded with the pic of a good boy/girl.

  • Acknowledge am lonely in a new city and at the new workplace. It is ok. But it isn’t a new feeling and I will face it every few years. So find non destructive ways of dealing with it.

  • I would write spend less time on social media but doing all the above will automatically lead to that.

Ciao. Time to leave my King size bed and start on all of the above. Good day y’all.

 


A love story

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I was ready by 3.30 am but the cab wouldn’t arrive before 3.45 am, at the earliest. Being punctual sucks sometimes. The noise and the lights didn’t wake him up. Maybe he slept late again. I didn’t even hear him enter the bedroom and he had strict instructions not to disturb my deep sleep by trying to hug me.

The cab was almost here and I didn’t have the heart to wake him up and tell him am leaving. I imagined leaving quietly and his waking up to an empty and silent house. It broke my heart. I reached over to give a quick peck on the forehead without leaving my pink fuschia lipgloss marks. He woke up.

“Go to sleep. Am leaving”

“No. No. I will see you till the door”.

And he did.

Like always.

And waited till the lift arrived.

 


Corporate trainings

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Topics on which I have received training in the corporate:

  • How to recruit

  • How to manage a team of executives

  • How to manage and lead a team of managers

  • Crucial conversations

  • Time management

  • How to be more productive and efficient

Topics I have not and never will be trained on :

  • How to empathize.

  • How to deal with failure. Because failure is a very real possibility now. So far I have focused on not failing but now I realize that failure is inevitable. How to pivot and spring back is the real challenge.

  • How to have a work life balance. Most people in the room don’t have any hobbies or interests and I wonder what are they working for. Isn’t earning money a means to a comfortable life and personal growth? How do you grow if you don’t have a life after work? How do you live if you don’t make your family a big priority? What do you come home to? Such people are beyond my understanding. On the other hand, people who do have interests outside of work are better managers and leaders, in my experience.

  • How to take a break from work, evaluate your goals and frame a path towards it.

  • How to align your values with the organization’s values and what to do incase of a disconnect. Quitting an organization because your values and ethics are being compromised is perfectly alright. Quitting because the mental torture is not worth the money you are being paid is perfectly alright.

  • How to manage your time and finish work within official working hours. Should be a mandatory training for most people.

That’s it for now.

Corporate trainings make me very grumpy.


When should you shag…

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This is for women only because I have no idea why or when men shag or if it is just a habit for them.

  • When you can’t find a dick
  • When you can find a dick
  • When it’s a dissatisfying dick
  • When it’s a veeerrryyy satisfying dick
  • When you can’t sleep at night
  • When you can’t wake up for the gym in the morning
  • When you are exhausted
  • When you are feeling alive
  • When you are alone
  • When you have a house full of people *cough* long showers *cough*
  • Before working out
  • After working out
  • When you are lonely
  • When you are bored
  • When you are reading
  • When you are in the middle of a series. Sometimes you don’t even need to hit pause
  • When you are watching porn
  • Everyday
  • Once a week
  • Once a month, minimum

Basically, women please shag. Know your body. Explore your body. Figure out your turn ons and turn offs.

Because a man can’t make you cum. Only you can make yourself cum.



Musings on an early morning flight

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We are used to being on a rollercoaster of emotions these days that when life is a straight line, it is unnerving.

We are either chasing highs or dealing with lows like anxiety and depression.

A period of standing still requires some getting used to.

Sometimes there is the temptation to create havoc, just so there is something to focus on and think about.


Precious, precious sleep

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You know how it is. For once, every aspect of your life is going well. But that freaks you out.

Because after the calm, comes the storm. After a high, comes a low. A

one failure can derail your confidence to the extent that you wake up every morning expecting to screw up.

That is me right now and am trying to take each day as it comes. Because the only thing in my bigger picture is existential crisis.

Maybe this is the reason I haven’t been sleeping too well. Or maybe it is the change in city and nights spent in different hotels. If am replying to Whatsapp or social media messages at all times of the night, it isn’t because I sleep with notifications turned on. On the contrary, my phone goes on silent at night and turns on in the morning. Am up every few hours at night and checking my phone distracts me from my thoughts.

All I need is a full night’s sleep without dreams and pee breaks.



Fringe friendships

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Everytime I move cities, some friends fall to the fringes and others come into focus. This time am moving to a city where I don’t have any friends so it will be quite lonely. I wish I could say I will make new friends. But the last closest friendship that I could rely on was formed at B school. Since then, all the friendships formed haven’t survived the years and the distance. Let me clarify that I don’t mean friends in general. I wouldn’t want to offend anyone but a friendship which feels comfortable. A friendship which hasn’t been impacted by distance, career changes, marriage (would mention kids but I have a hard time not judging people with kids), difference in economic status (you are in denial if you think this doesn’t impact relationships) etc etc. A friendship where I am going to remember their birthday every year, without social media. Where I am going to be available whenever and wherever am required. Where I am going to travel to Bangalore or Jabalpur (an example) for our annual meetup. Where I am not worried about being judged. Where I know the person will be upfront with me about everything. Where I trust and love blindly.

I can’t do that anymore with new people. Most relationships today are transactional. I will walk as many steps towards as you are willing to towards me. There is a middle line and I want you to meet me there.

Even when I meet people from the past I had disagreements with, there is a special comfort level. There is a certain kinship and bonding which is missing with people who came into my life later. Do time and shared experiences matter so much? Is spare time during college, missing these days in life, matter so much for strong friendships?

Like, I didn’t speak to a close friend for a year. I didn’t want to talk about the disastrous year I was having and kept a distance. Our conversations are too intense for me to be able to pretend like life is perfect. I distanced myself without explanation. But it only took a few messages to get back to where we were.

On the other hand, a friend and I were in touch daily because we were in the same boat and going through similar things in life. Our situations have changed and our messaging has reduced. At one point, it may stop entirely.

Does this mean, this is it? The friends I made (thank heavens for those) are the only ones am going to have and there is no point in even trying for more?

Or are these walls constructed by me force fitting everyone into separate boxes and it is my doing entirely?

Is putting yourself out there even worth it?