The right way to be with someone

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The other day a friend remarked that she has only seen KC and me banter. It is true. We banter a lot. A LOT. And I like it. He is the perfect match for my sarcasm, wittiness and nasty sense of humour. At the same time, we are affectionate too but only when alone. This friend’s remark made me wonder if she thinks we don’t act like a normal lovey dovey couple. Do KC and I come across as friends instead of a couple? I called KC in a panic and he cursed the friend for making him go through the torture of pacifying me.

I thought about it and came to conclusion that there is no right way to be with someone. Equations are different with different people. While I maybe affectionate (in small doses) with one friend, black and white with another and only gray with a third. How we meet someone, how the relationship progresses and what experiences it goes through are factors that decide what kind of intimacy you share with him/her.

KC and I are not ‘oh baby, I love you baby’ and I like it that way. I talk to him like I talk to any other friend of mine. Sometimes we need to balance it out with intimacy and affection which is hard to do long distance and but not so hard when we are living together. And we are awkward showing intimacy in front of other people. As long as we are ok with it, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I would never want to be in a “oh baby, I love you baby” in front of friends kind of relationship because it would make me puke.

It is nice to be with someone who doesn’t make you puke.


Just a follow up post to let you know am (STILL) alive

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I wasn’t planning to write this but that would be unfair. I should update on what happened next and why I didn’t kill myself. Right?

I was mostly confused about my fitness goals and that is a sign that things are not going great, to put it mildly. I contacted some of my fellow fitness freaks and got very lame suggestions. Only 1 person, R, took me seriously. He knew what I was talking about and helped me redefine the goals. In that mindset, I didn’t even know what goals I should aim for and when the goal is 6-7 months away, how do I push myself TODAY?

I made a bucket list for December:

  • Go for a trek. This stands cancelled because the there aren’t enough registrations and the guide is unwell
  • Duothlon. I am going to cycle 10 km and run 10 km tomorrow. Will try and take the cycle in an auto to Aarey colony, cycle there, park, run and bring it back in an auto. Or, cycle till Aarey, park, run, cycle back. Most likely, the latter.
  • Start swimming. My area (Hiranandani) has a swimming pool and I can use it free of cost. The plan is to get the card made tomorrow and take the first dip on Sunday.
  • Fastest 4 km. I want to run my fastest 4 km this month. But for that I need to get back to running
  • Fastest 5 km. Same as above.
  • Full form push ups – 10. I unable to do full form, full range push ups yet. My chest doesn’t touch the floor. I plan to train for it this month.
  • Yoga- chakraasna. This is very difficult and I still have to figure out if it is possible.
  • Track how much water I drink. Have downloaded an app to push myself to drink more water.

I have also started another instagram account where I only post fitness related daily stuff. This is a private account since am posting weekly photos as well.

At work, am finishing all the boring work and trying to organize what I need to do. Things seem clearer now.

It is all good for now. One day at a time. One week at a time. One month at a time.


Suicide note

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From googling about depression and taking an online test to thinking about next year’s goals, it has been a few hours of hell. The point isn’t if am depressed or lonely or it is a phase and a mood. The point is am thinking about it and the possibility of being depressed is real. The point is all my answers on the test were negative.
I don’t believe in therapists because I haven’t seen anyone stop seeing one. I think if our parents could deal with lots of shit and not fall apart, so can we.
Also, am not ‘I want to kill myself’ depressed. I have been there and realised long ago I love myself too much to want to kill myself. If I ever do get there, I will go all the way. No point in doing things by half measures.
I know that it isn’t completely normal to want to curl up and cry several times of the day.
This is the mood I reached the gym in and since I didn’t fuel properly my energy levels were quite low. By the 10th and last track I told myself “Fuck this shit. Life isn’t going to defeat me. I am going to survive this. Because that’s what Gopalanis too”. (The last part is a joke. I have NO idea what Gopalanis do).
I got a lot of useless advice and only one person took my “I don’t feel motivated enough to pursue fitness goals” seriously and is guiding me through this. The right support system is important.
The doomed feeling is hard to describe and I can’t talk about it because most people don’t get it. So, no comments on this post or phone calls or replies on social media will be appreciated.
Thank you. I shall keep you updated on what happens next.
And if you do find me dead, this is my suicide note.
Ciao.


Friday blues

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This week has been especially tough. I don’t know why. I look fine on the outside. In fact, I spent 2 nights hanging out with colleagues and feeling good about it. But this week has been the longest and I can’t wait for it to end. The temptation to while away time is very strong but I can’t afford to. There is always too much to do and I need to start catching up. One more month of honeymoon period before I will be expected to be on top of things.

Maybe I need a run. A long, exhausting one.

Maybe I need a hug, no sign of that in this city.

Maybe I need human conversation, but putting on a mask for conversation is too much effort.

Maybe I need to get out of the city, but I just got back.

Maybe I just need a fuck, uncomplicated but intimate.

 

People we live with are just distractions from ourselves. The voices inside our heads are not pleasant. People help silence them.

 


Crazy is as crazy does

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I did something crazy today. You will either call me a psycho or a very evolved person. Probably the former. I know I should set a context here but I don’t want to. I don’t want to compartmentalize and find the right words to describe it.

There is closure, there are answers and there is a clear distinction between black and white. There are no more free passes for being young and stupid. Not that anyone has asked me for any free passes. Sometimes people are crap and that’s the way it is. I don’t have negative feelings left at this stage. I was just looking for answers.

I ripped off the bandage and realised the wounds healed a long, long time back. There aren’t any scars. Just another learning in the journey of life. I got out early and unscathed but it helped me figure out who am not as a person.

Let’s be fair, though. We’d do anything to protect ourselves. Anything. There are memories of good times though. So, it wasn’t all bad. Sometimes it was fun too.

Ciao. I need to curl up on the train with a book and some music.

 


Tales from work

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Another resignation and 3 promotions have been announced. While two were expected and there were rumors galore about them, the third one was unexpected. It doesn’t impact my life in any way because this person isn’t my direct reportee. And yet, am expected to have an answer on how and why. Because even though I was informed about the decision few minutes before everyone else, am supposed to know on what basis this promotion happened. I have to hide my surprise and find a positive spin to it. Is there a positive spin? I don’t know. But I have to keep the hope alive. Isn’t that what keeps us going? The hope? I am at the receiving end of all the negativity and ranting and I have to stay calm through it all. This is what all good managers I reported to, did.

My ex manager always says one thing “Let’s face it. We are here because we don’t have other options. I refuse to believe that you would be here if a better company paid you more money”. I know what he means. I am so tired of people who think they are doing an organisation a favour. If you leave, there will be ten others to replace you. That’s a fact and you should be realistic enough to know that. The organization isn’t doing you a favour and vice versa. It is a transaction. Simple and clear.

The last few days have been a rollercoaster. The 4 am wake up calls and dinner plans haven’t made it easier to deal with. I haven’t unpacked my bag yet. Usually, the first thing I do as soon as I get home from a trip (even a vacation) is unpack and do my laundry. An packed bag is a hint that things are not well.

Last night I realised am working with the wrong expectations in mind and it can only lead to disappointment. Work for the learning, everything else will fall in place.

 


Airtel Delhi half marathon 2016 – Personal best time and all

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Airtel Delhi half marathon isn’t just a running event for me. It is where I evaluate my year’s training and figure out the goals for next year. While running today, I knew exactly what I still need to work on and where I want to get by the time the event rolls around next year. It is weird because I thought I had trained pretty well. While the timing is important, I don’t want to make ADHM all about that. The timing isn’t the goal. There will come a run when I won’t achieve my personal best timing because something will go wrong on the final day. That’s ok.

You may train for everything – the right workout wear, the shoes, your periods, the music, the headphones, running gel, hydration etc. But a small thing will pose a challenge on D day and threaten to undo everything. Every single time.

I had a plan for today. My PB last year was 2 hrs 35 mins. I was targetting 2 hrs 30 mins which isn’t a stretch because reduction of 10 mins every year is do-able. Considering all the changes in my life recently, I didn’t want to stress myself about timing. Also, I couldn’t get to 2 hrs 30 mins at IDBI Mumbai half marathon few months back (humid weather) and wasn’t confident.

The plan was :

8.5 km in 1 hour. Do-able

17 km in 2 hours. A stretch because I run 16 km in 2 hours

Balance 4.1 km in 30 mins. Very, very do-able.

This is what happened.

4 km in 31 mins. I wanted to use the loo in the 1st km itself because I had sipped lots of water while waiting. Found a loo 1.5 km into the run and realised I have stained my shorts. I changed tampons while an irritating woman kept knocking on the door. I had no plan B if this tampon overflew too because the other spare one was in T’s car. The 4 km were spent worrying about this and included a 2nd loo break to check if things were doing ok in my panty.

8.5 km in 1 hour done. Whew.

10 km done in 1 hour 9 mins. Probably my fastest. This was very encouraging and I realised that 17+ km was in the bag if I kept up this pace.

In the last hour it hit me that I was going to manage 2.20-2.25. I was pissed at myself for not taking a more aggressive target. I started doing backward calculations and aiming for 2.25. The problem was that I was happy about beating 2.30 and this made me complacent.

The last 2 km were very difficult. Most of the people around me were walking, I didn’t see anyone familiar and none of the pacers were around. I needed an extra push for this stretch. There was 1 runner who was running and I said “Help me finish”. He looked flattered and surprised but we kept up the pace for another km after which I overtook him and sprinted. In the last 500 m, I didn’t care about the timing and just wanted this to end. Which is why I lost a minute and finished in 2.26 hours.

Plan for ADHM 2017:

Target time 2.10-2.15

I will follow a proper training plan and calculate the pace required to get there.

The first half of 2017 will be spent on short runs to get faster. So, will not run any half marathons after SCMM.

The 2nd half of 2017 will be spent on building stamina to run the long distance.

Need to get to a faster 10 km.

Coming up – about the event. What I liked. What I didn’t.